I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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