Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
