so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
