He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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