you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
