The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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