with your own penis?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
