I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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