New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
