I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
