Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
