I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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