turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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