All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
