you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
