the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
