I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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