Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
