it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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