i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
