when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
They have beer where we have blood.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
