I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
