just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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