Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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