and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
