I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
