Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
