Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
