last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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