I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
