You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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