omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
