I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
