I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
