Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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