Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I forgot wine drunk hurts
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
