Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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