wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
