Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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