Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
