i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
