I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
