Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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