He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
