I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
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I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
COCAINE IS GR8
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair