My girlfriend figured out who you are.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
