drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
