If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
