you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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