she woke up with a sticky ear
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.