I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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