i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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