Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
