Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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