mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
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I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
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IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."