Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH