fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
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