I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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