apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Randomize
