Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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