Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
