i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
